The Anti-Zane Letter:
Dear doomed Hawklovers,
Joining Husky football, basketball, the Mariners and the departed Sonics - your beloved team is about to form the final spire in the Seattle sports pentagram of suck…and here’s why…
Holmgren is a short-timer. Just ask yourself – after most people “give-notice” do they
power to the finish line for the penultimate success of the company?? Hell no! They’re busy making constant personal phone calls, drinking during extended lunch hours and stealing toilet paper from the supply room.
Next problem – Soup-Boy’s back is ailing him and I’ve learned that this didn’t happen at practice but rather during a Campbell’s advertising shoot. Apparently he experienced the strain while hoisting a 50 gallon drum of Chunky’s new “Cafeteria-Sized Bean with Bacon”.
And what about those newbies who are supposed to be catching Mathew’s passes? Good grief, typically to be in the company of that many young, inexperienced, fresh-faced receivers you’d have to be attending a party at Neverland Ranch!
It gets worse – an angry and vindictive Shaun Alexander has convinced Pastor Casey Treat to condemn the team to ETERNAL HELLFIRE…..actually, that’s not entirely true – he’s condemned them to periods of hellfire with patchy morning fog.
And finally – you’ve heard of “Chalkboard Material”? Well the Hawk’s have given Buffalo “I-Pod” material. Apparently, throughout training camp, Coach Jauron has been cranking Craig Terrell’s debut CD non-stop in the Bill’s locker room and vows to continue if they don’t win this opener. A furious Marshawn Lynch was heard shouting “This is ludicrous!…I mean this ain’t Ludicrous!...I mean turn this crap off!!!!”
It’s all so simple…what is Buffalo famous for? Gorging on wings, and every Hawk uniform contains two plump, tasty ones. That’s why I fully expect them to limp off the field on Sunday – slathered in Blue Cheese with celery stalks protruding from their backsides like tail feathers.
Enjoy,
Charlie Grant
© 2008